"Regardless of what each of you choose to do with your lives, choose to be happy and successful. Be careful of the choices you make, each one may have a profound affect on your happiness. Be willing to be the example and reach for your goals while doing what is right, even when the world around you says you are wrong. Don't be afraid to succeed for 'it is only when we hold ourselves back that we must face failure'."
That wise young woman was me. As I look back over the course of my life since I spoke those words to the graduating class of 1999, I am saddened to realize that I failed to follow much of my own advice. While I strive to live my life walking in the path of light, I admit that I often fall short. Thankfully, none of us are perfect and I can always improve. Unfortunately I find that every time I fall short, my present life becomes increasingly defined by a fear of success, incapacitating and devastating in its very nature. It saddens me to realize I transformed from a courageous young woman who was certain she could succeed at anything, to a cynical adult sure that she would fail at everything.
In reflecting upon the words I spoke so many years ago, I realize I must reassess my own view of what is 'right' in my own life, what makes me 'happy', and what it means for me to be successful. Over the last six years or so, I have come to the realization that my definitions of 'right' and 'successful' are at odds with one another. And as long I allow them to be at odds, I remain the cynical adult, destined for failure, unable to capture happiness.
When I chose to become a mother, I chose to commit myself to that role 100%. For me that meant foregoing a career in order to be available for my kids 27/7. At the time the choice was simple. My husband's income was sufficient for us to provide for all our necessities, along with the occasional luxury, effectively making it unnecessary financially for me to remain in the workforce.
However, what I did not foresee was the far reaching repercussions of my choice. While I had taken the time to obtain a higher education prior to becoming a full-time mother, I never gave myself the opportunity to exercise that education in a professional atmosphere. At the time, I didn't think it mattered. Upon exiting the working world, I saw my education as my lifeline back, my panic button so-to-speak, meant only to be used in an emergency. But as the years stretch on, without any experience to justify my educational background, my diploma becomes an empty piece of paper, stuffed in a box of other inconsequential memorablia from my past. In short, by choosing to do nothing except be a mother, I effectively made myself unmarketable. Perhaps worse is the emptiness that comes as a result of this realization and my lack of visible, tangible success.
That being said, I simply can't put on the breaks and change the course I am currently traveling. For starters, I know that the choice I made to be a full time mother was the 'right' choice... for me. My own mother died when I was eight years old. Prior to her death, she was a full-time working mother. I don't condemn her choice, because she did what was right for her and her family and her choice brought her happiness and success. But her absence left me with little opportunity to feel connected to her. I have spent a lifetime watching other mothers, wondering what it would be like to experience the bond of mother and child. And while in this life I will never know what it is like to be the child in that relationship, I know that I have been blessed with the great opportunity to be a mother and to forge that bond with my own children. I know, were I to willingly and consciously give up this beautiful opportunity, I would be wracked with guilt worse than the sense of emptiness I already experience.
Of course, in the years since I held my first cherished gift from heaven, I have fallen prey to the unfortunate habits of insecurity and selfishness. And worse, I have developed a tendency to compare myself and my children to other mothers and their children, effectively robbing myself of the happiness that should come from being a loving, nurturing mother.
And so, you see, I have created for myself a dual system in which I can do nothing but fail. In my mind I either choose what is 'right' and devote all my time to my children, or I choose to be 'successful' and all that that entails. Once again, I must look to my previous self for the inspiration to discard this thinking and choose a third path in which success, happiness and choosing what is right all weave together into the beautiful tapestry that is my life. In the same graduation speech I relayed the following message:
"There is a story of an ancient painting that depicts a king forging
a chain from his crown, and nearby, another scene shows a slave
converting his chain into a crown. Underneath the painting is
this inscription:
'Life is what one makes of it, no matter of what it is made.'
What you create from your talents and abilities is up to you."
This inscription brings us to the purpose of this blog. I am continually searching, striving to focus on words and actions of others that lift and inspire, so that I might better grasp my own sense of purpose. As I find inspiration, I will pass it on. Of course life is not always sunshine and roses, but every moment of adversity is a moment of learning and reflection and so I hope to blog about those as well. In essence I will blog about living my life and what I learn along the way.
In the end, it is my intent to break down the barriers I have built for myself. To redefine success and stop being afraid to pursue it. To be the best mother I can be and to instill confidence and purpose in my children. And above all, to find the confident young woman who knew that happiness is, above all, a CHOICE. If, along the way, I can inspire others to do the same I will consider it a double success.
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